■ By RITA AGGARWAL (Consulting Psychologist) :
Q. I am from Hyderabad and I am studying in Class 12th. I live in a joint family and two months ago, I lost my cousin brother in an accident, which happened in front of me. I didn’t cry for first four days and then on fifth day I went into my room and shed tears for four hours. I was very close to my cousin brother. He was the one with whom I shared all my secrets. I am in a very pathetic situation because I am still struggling through it. I feel that he is there and I can’t sleep because I always see him in my dreams. I think of sharing this with someone in my family, but then I realise that they are also grieving and I don’t want to make things more worse for them. But now I feel I need to because I am not able to function properly in my daily life. I need help!
Ans. Dealing with death of a loved relative is one of the most difficult struggles in life. Death is final and a huge loss as the person is gone forever. The mental process follows a gradual step by step recovery by accepting the harsh reality and then adapting to the loneliness by filling it up with new goals and new connections. The world is full of life and good people and we must change gears and adapt. That is the secret of good living- flexibility and adaptability. It’s not easy and neither impossible. Each one has their own destiny and you must fulfill yours. Do some good work in his name and cherish the good memories with him. At some point the mourning should stop although the mild sadness will remain for a longer period. Mansi, Chattisgarh.
Q. I work in a bank, I have two kids, one is in Std 9th and another one completing his Std 12th. I am divorced, my ex-husband lives with his second wife in another city. I come from a background where my mother and father both were very abusive, they use to beat me, chain me if I did not behave in a way they wanted me to. I came out of that when I got married, my ex-husband has helped a lot through it and also my marriage has ended because of me only. Sometimes I used to get furious for no reason or may be for small things on my ex-husband because of which he got very tired and unable to deal with. I also have put my kids in a situation where they could not deal with me and they tell me, they don’t want to stay with me. They have also told me that they hate me and once gone they’ll never come back. I feel that I have genes of my parents and thus sometimes it comes out in different ways. Please help.
Ans. The realisation of flaws in your personality is the most important part of self-growth. Awareness of your weaknesses and taking the blame of failures on your shoulders as well as wanting to change it- is healthy. This is the beginning of a beautiful process of self –discovery and self-development. Genes have their own strengths and limitations too. In the process of evolution, things become better when you desire the positive and work hard towards it.Your children will support you and admire you when they see your positive struggle to improve yourself. Confide in them, apologise to them for wrong-doings and make them your partners in your new goals. Tell them your seriousness in self-development and take them along for a few counselling sessions. Children understand a lot and have in fact threatened you to improve! Consult a good psychologist in your city or take online consultations with me.